


Strange Things in Stranger Places

by happywife416



Series: Collection of Short [9]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: F/M, Laughter, Ridiculous, Sex Toys, Vegetables
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-29 23:21:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11451186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happywife416/pseuds/happywife416
Summary: Honestly, I am not even sure how to remotely tag this. lol For sexlaughterhonesty 2017





	Strange Things in Stranger Places

"Did you have a nice evening?" Varric handed her a glass of wine, raising an eyebrow when she downed the contents in a single long swig.

 "I don't know." She stared at him as he refilled her glass, chewing her lip and quirking her brows. "Did you know people use cucumbers for things. And eggplants." He settled across the low table from her. "Bedroom things." She added.

 He sighed, wanting to rub his temples and wondering how in all her years as a thief, then in Kirkwall's Lowtown and the Hanged Man that she had never come across that. Isabela was her closest friend; an act of the Maker must have preserved her. "Surely it's not the first time you've heard that. Not everyone buys the real thing, or feels comfortable buying. Or can't." He added with a careful shrug and too big sip of wine. "Nothing that should shock my wife."

 Wide blue eyes fixed on him. "I didn't." She squeaked. "Bela went into great detail when she discovered that. I think, no. No thinking yet." She stared at the bottom of her glass like it was going to erase the conversation from her mind as she sipped. He hid his amusement behind his hand, feigning a scratch on his jaw. Her eyes turned back on him, narrowing in thought. "And the way Bethany laughed I think the Wardens need their own Divine. The way our daughter was cackling, it probably wouldn't matter." She shook her head before speaking softly. "Damn it."

 "People have stuck things where they shouldn't for ages, Rose." His laughter broke across his tongue.

 She glared at him indignantly before shaking a finger at him, wine slipping over the sides of the glass. "They didn't use them for salad afterwards!" Varric's laughter turned into snorts as she continued her tirade. "A quick wash and peel." She mimicked Rivaini's voice before shaking her head. "No. That doesn't fix that they, they. Body fluids aren't dressing!" She crossed her arms with the final shouted word, lip dropping into a pout as Varric fumbled to set his glass down, tears streaming from his eyes. She glared until he managed to compose himself before turning her nose up. "It's not funny."

 He chuckled softly as he stood and gently pulled her to her feet. "The Champion of Kirkwall, defending the innocence of vegetables."

 "Vegetables are neither innocent or experienced. A cucumber is a cucumber." She said tartly before leaning against him. "My biggest issue is I can never eat a vegetable in that house again and I love Merrill's cooking." He felt her nose wrinkle. "I will always wonder just where Bela had it and she knows that. Ugh, I can just see her pleased face. And to subsist on only meat is not appetizing in the slightest."

 "I think you get enough of that in our bed."

She pulled away to glare at him as he grinned. "Maker, I hate you."

He picked her up, not pointing out her giggle before she snuggled against him. "Let's get you to bed before your head explodes."

 "No exploding. Kirkwall has bad luck."


End file.
